How Not To Play Offense When It Matters

17 Jul

Your first chance comes when the punt goes out of bounds at the 21, 13:08 in the first quarter. Rush for 2 yards up the middle. Rush left, loss of 1. Incomplete pass. Punt.

Punt goes out of bounds at the 10, 6:35 in the first. Rush left for a yard, complete one pass to the 31. Rush for 1. Rush for 10. Pass for 5. Rush right for 3. Pass for 3.

Rush left for 6. Incomplete pass. Pass for 8 on third down. Nice! Rush left for 3. Pass to the running back for 5. Rush right for 1. Quarterback sneak on fourth and one. For zero. Turnover on downs.

Nice job, though. Pinned that offense back. Best offense is hoping for a mistake from the opposing quarterback, as the old saying goes.

Receive free kick at own 17, return for 21 yards. Pass for 6 to the back. Rush for 5. Pass to the back for 3. Rush for 1. Pass to the other back for 5. Punt.

Take a break. 8 minutes of playing time should be long enough. Get back on the field. You have 2:47 before the half. That’s plenty of time.

Take the touchback. Get a false start. Get sacked for an eight yard loss. Rush for 2. Take the gimme over the middle for a quick 18. Punt. Burned one minute.

Watch an opposition three-and-out. Take a touchback on the punt.

Throw an incomplete pass. You have one minute to go 80 yards, so throw an in-bounds 10 yard pass. Hurry! Shotgun! Pass for 3. Evade a sack, scramble for 3. Pass for 9. Call a timeout. With 4 seconds left. You’ve reached your own 45. Throw a hail mary. That falls short.

Whew! Halftime!

Take the opening kickoff for a touchback. Rush for 2. Rush for 9. Rush for a loss of 1. Throw an incomplete pass. Throw another incomplete pass. Punt. Take five.

Return the kickoff to the 21. Throw for 21. NICE! Throw an incomplete pass. Pass for 6. Pass for 9. Spreading the ball around now. Keep up the good work. Run an end around, they won’t see that coming! It goes for 13! You’re really moving now!

Throw an incomplete pass. Throw another incomplete pass. Commit an illegal substitution on third down. Throw for 14 on third and fifteen. Math is a cruel bitch. Run a quarterback sneak on fourth and one, for no gain. Experience deja vu.

Watch the other team score a touchdown.

Take the kickoff back to your 19, instead of taking a touchback. It’s more fun for the fans that way. Pass for 4 yards. GO NO HUDDLE! KEEP THEM OFF BALANCE! YES! Rush for 5. Rush for a loss of one. Punt.

Watch the other team score a touchdown.

Take the kickoff to the 28, with 9:55 remaining in the game, down by 22 points. Throw a short incomplete pass over the middle. Throw a short incomplete pass to the right sideline. Throw a short incomplete pass over the middle. Fucking punt the ball away from your own 13 yard line.

Watch the other team burn over six minutes from the clock.

Take over on downs at your own 21 with 2:57 remaining. Throw for 7 yards. Down by 22. GO NO HUDDLE! MAKE THEM MAKE A MISTAKE! They do. Unnecessary roughness. Well-played, sir!¬†Throw for 8. Throw to the tight end, for 16. Throw for 5. Yeah, it’s almost like they’re giving you these short passes. They just can’t stop ‘em! Throw for 9. Throw an incomplete pass. Oops. Throw another incomplete pass. Throw a third incomplete pass.

Get sacked for a loss of 8.

Watch the other team burn the clock.

247 total net yards. 199 passing. TWO FUCKING POINTS. In a playoff game.

Get the fuck out of my timeline, Falcon fans. You have nothing to say to me, especially about my quarterback.

One Response to “How Not To Play Offense When It Matters”

  1. WhoDatMama July 26, 2012 at 6:00 pm #

    Fan-fucking-tastic!

Comments are closed.