That Crazy Bitch Is Back! -or- Overextending The Metaphor

4 Sep

Best google image result for “crazy saints bitch.”

Hey.  Internet.  How’s it going?  I missed you.

Yeah, so this isn’t “Overanalyzing the Preseason: Episode V.”  It’s not even Episode III.  What shit this preseason’s been.  Yeah, right, I get it, every preseason is shit, but this one, wow.  Isaac might have been the biggest pain in the ass Category 1 storm in the history of utility companies, and all the while all kind of shit has had me occupied at work (that’s like a blog, except I do it 40 hours a week and it makes me money).  Meanwhile, problems abound in Real Life that I won’t trouble you with because, goddamnit, you’re not my therapist, and you come here for football and profanity, and where the hell have I been for the last month?

Well, before you started bitching, I was trying to explain.

Anyway, none of that matters right now.  Not a glorified asshole thunderstorm, not a truckload of injuries culminating in a shit performance by last year’s linebacking squad, and not a pain-in-the-ass conference my boss insisted I must attend and yet where everyone ultimately ignored most of what I had to say.

All I can think about is this weekend.   I’ve been seeing this chick, see, for as long as I can remember.  She’s batshit crazy, and I can’t get enough of her.   I started hanging out with her in high school, and even then all my friends thought I should leave her the hell alone.  She wasn’t very popular, you know – she was really kind of a loser.  She hung out with a creepy old mustached guy that yelled at people because he was a miserable human being and he really wasn’t good at what he did anymore but he thought he was but everybody else knew he wasn’t.  He smoked cigars and cussed and pretty much embarrassed everyone who ever had any contact with him.

Still, man, I was in love.

She just couldn’t do wrong.  Even at probably the lowest points – just months after everything I knew got blown the fuck away, she threatened to leave me just when I needed her the most.  I knew she wouldn’t.  I knew she was just talking shit.  So many people told me to move on.  The crazy bitch stuck around, though, and we had a hell of a year together in ’06.

Want to know how dysfunctional this relationship is?  The best year we ever spent was when I got deployed to Iraq.  I came home for two weeks in December, saw her both weekends, and she did her best to make my life a living hell.  The second I landed back in the desert, all was good again.  Don’t ever say long-distance relationships can’t work.

I can’t say the last couple years haven’t been without problems.  Some of her friends – holy crap, don’t get me started on this chick’s friends.  She has this white trash hillbilly BFF from Georgia – no social graces, let me put it that way.  She’s ugly, doesn’t have much personality, and yet all the guys just hang all over her.  I can’t figure it out.  She shows up late for parties, leaves early to beat traffic, hardly makes a damn peep – you’d barely even know she was there except for the smell.  My goodness does she smell.  She has to be bribed with free hot dogs just to hang out, and even then she only has two shots all night and shits her pants.

Anyway, we had this big fight in January and she cut out for a while.  We haven’t really been on good terms since then.  But she’s had a lot of stuff going on in her personal life.  You have to cut her some slack.  She got in trouble with the law, then she deluded herself into thinking she was in financial trouble and started trying to sell organs and shit because she couldn’t afford them.  You dumbass, yeah, you might survive without a pancreas, but once you’ve had one, life isn’t really the same without it.  Insulin shots and all that. You can’t even have cake.

She’s got it together now, though.  I’m convinced.  And no matter what, I’ll always love her.  Sometimes I take her for granted.  That’s my fault.  But not this weekend, folks.  She’s back in town, and I’m as happy as I’ve been all year.

She says if I behave, she might even stick around until February.