Let’s Go, Peyton! (clap clap clapclapclap)

16 Sep

This happened today, so it wasn’t all bad.

Fuck yes!  We won time of possession!  And we rushed 27 times! For 163 yards! Now that’s what I’m talking about!  Now if we can just get a win from Denver tomorrow night, we’ll be tied for first!

“Angry Who Dat, we lost today. You know that, right?”

No.  Bullshit.  What kind of drugs are you on?  We held the ball longer than they did.  Plus, 6 yards per carry, bitches!

“No, really.  They scored more points than we did.  They averaged 18 yards per reception, for crying out loud.  That probably had something to do with it.”

Well, sure.  But in the first three quarters we ran the ball 43 percent of the time.  Way better than last week!  YES!

“Don’t forget the pick-6, buddy.  And the two drops on the goal line.  And, you know, Steve Smith.”

Holy shit.  Are you trying to tell me that offensive execution, the ability of the defense to prevent scores, turnovers, and numbers of touchdowns and field goals for each team count more in football than the amount of time you possess the ball or whether you hit an arbitrary measure of balanceness?

Well, I’ll be damned.  So much for that idea.  Back to the drawing board, Who Dats!

Shit.  Now that I’ve gotten my requisite snark out of the way, here’s the thing: it’s a 16-game season.  Big fucking forest, and only two of the trees are burning, and you can’t just forget to see the trees for the forest fire, or something.  Anybody got a hose?  Spags?

Everyone familiar with Spagnuolo’s schemes says we have to be patient.  That it takes time.  That soon, Will Smith will look like Strahan and Junior Gallette will change his name to Justin Tuck, or something.  I’m not sure I believed that at the beginning of the season.  Or after week 1.  But I believe it now, goddamnit.  Because if I don’t, well, I’m not sure the Ocean Springs bridge is tall enough.

2 fucking games.  We still have time.  All we have to do is make the playoffs, and all bets are off.  Right, Eli?

All hope is not lost.  Not yet.  Because 13 percent of 0-2 teams make it to the playoffs, and it’s a known fact that nearly 17 percent of playoff teams make it to the Super Bowl, and at least half of them win it all.  80% chance, motherfuckers!

One more positive before I go drink myself into a stupor and suffer through this terrible Sunday night game that features two teams I hate and would otherwise be a great game in a cataclysm of cruel football irony that makes me want to go test the height of the Ocean Springs bridge after all.  The two teams that the Saints have faced defensively haven’t exactly been conventional teams.  Bullshit college offenses, read-options, wide receiver screens until your eyes bleed: these aren’t things we’re used to seeing from the NFL.  Even Carolina, with  a quarterback that gets compared to RGIII way more than he should, doesn’t usually run some of that shit.  Maybe they just saw it on film and ran with it.  But ol’ Cam usually isn’t the type to run an option on 4th and inches.  He’ll run it down your throat, or hand off, or just bootleg it.  But that college stuff?  Maybe RG3 was the model after all.

Goddamnit, maybe instead of the Saints being prepared for Cam because RG3, the Cam was prepared for the Saints because RG3.  Ever thought of that, douchebag analyst?

So let’s see what happens in the next two weeks before we throw up our hands and Wait Til Next Year and LSU! LSU! LSU! (Also, fuck you, LSU-chant-in-the-Dome-guy.)

Kansas City is a typical, traditional, terrible offense.  And Green Bay is a typical, traditional, destroy-you-right-in-the-face offense.  And San Diego is a traditional, typical, damn, what the hell is San Diego?  They’re as boring and vanilla as anything the game has ever seen.  Except for the touchdowns or whatever.

Anyway, those three games will give us an idea what this defense can do against the type of offense that actually makes it to the playoffs in the NFL.  If Spags can’t get these guys on board and playing like a team full of All-Pros by week 5, we’re in serious trouble.  We have some talent on defense, after all.  I mean, we’re a little shallow at safety, and the cornerbacks have trouble covering wide receivers, and sometimes the linebackers miss tackles and stuff.  And the pass rush is a little shaky, and the interior of the defensive line is often porous against the run.  But if Spags can’t fix these minor issues, nobody can! Right? RIGHT?

I’m trying hard to believe that the defense is fixable, and that the 80-points-in-two-weeks-but-win-the-Super-Bowl thing isn’t a load of nonsense.  Because the offense, even in spite of some dropped balls from receivers not named Joe Morgan and even more of them from the one that is named Joe Morgan, and even considering the fact that we insist on handing the football to running backs without silent vowels in their names, is clicking.  Pierre is on fire.  Jesus, Pierre is good.  Drew might not even have to try so fucking hard if the D would spot him a little field position and maybe make the other team score less times.

So yeah, it’s early enough in the season to continue to believe that the defense can make a magical turnaround.  Just imagine if they did, man.  This is a 10-6 team even now, even with a mediocre defense.  Shit, I’m trying too hard, aren’t I?  Very well.

I’m not going to think too hard about this one for the rest of the week.  I recommend you don’t either.  That’s why I’m getting this post out of the way right now.  Doing my job.  Winning the day.  We’re having fajitas for the tailgate Sunday, and my boy Raf cooked that shit up right last year.  So I’ll look forward to that.  And I’ll drink.  And I’ll continue with my great life in which I’m otherwise very blessed by Diety of Your Choice.  And we’ll reevaluate things next Sunday.  For now, I choose to believe this was a fluke.  Just part of the defensive learning curve, and other stuff like that.  A big, stinky, nasty, two-week mind-blowing fluke.

Just in case you’re not ready to start drinking yet, let me give you a great little stat.  Didn’t know I did stats, huh?  Looked this shit up myself:

The Saints are 0-2, of course, against teams who won 5 and 6 games last year, respectively.  Those teams are both 1-1, having lost their other 2012 games against teams who won 4 and 2 games last year respectively.  So the teams we’ve lost to and the teams they’re winless against averaged 4.25 wins in 2011.  Yes, sir.  Bottoms up.

I watched the game at my dad’s house today, and on the drive home – all 30 minutes of it (stone cold sober, mind you) – I needed a little catharsis.  And nothing pains me more than listening to a drunk ex-Falcon berate Saints fans after a loss, so I dialed the car radio in to WWL.  For the first time in a long time, I actually enjoyed something Bobby Hebert had to say:

For now, don’t the hit button – um, er, hit the panic button yet. But no, if the Saints, if they lose to Kansas City next week, we’ll all line up on the Huey P. Long together.

Indeed, Bobby.  I’ll drink to that.  I’ll drink a lot to that.

One Response to “Let’s Go, Peyton! (clap clap clapclapclap)”

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  1. Reaction to the 0-2 Saints | SportsJoes.com - September 17, 2012

    [...] For Christ’s sake, it’s 0-2 people, not 0-12.  Don’t get me wrong, I have no issues with Angry Who Dat wondering if the Ocean Springs Bridge is tall enough to kill his pain.  It’s just that I don’t have a [...]

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