The Third Level of Suck

24 Sep

“Job security, bitches!”

Well, fuck.  That’s it.  I have nothing left.  Spags’s defense might come together – hell, they played admirably through over half the game given the shit they had to contend with, but it inevitably all came unraveled.  I thought we had it in the bag – hell, everyone did.  When the Chiefs responded to a great drive and touchdown with a massive kick in the balls on just one play – for their lone touchdown of the game, mind you – I hope you all felt it coming.  Sure, the lead was still there.  We had the ball.  But you just knew it, right?  In your gut.  In your heart.  In your fucking genitalia.  Goddamn, we are going to lose this fucking game.

But I won’t bore you with a recap, or a bunch of miserable, heart-breaking stats (SaintsWin has that covered anyway), or a breakdown of the absolute worst offensive performance I can remember from a Saints team that held a roster spot for Drew Brees.  Nope.  This isn’t about one game.  It’s about the nightmare season to come.

I saw a lot of this on twitter last night:

“It could be worse.  This could be Jim Haslett’s Saints.  This could be Mike Ditka’s Saints.  This could be Mora circa 1996, asshole.  This isn’t suck.”

Oh, yes it is, pal.  Because this isn’t Mora’s Saints.  This isn’t Haslett’s Saints.  I bought my first season tickets during the Haslett era.  Shit, I got used to that suck.  It was to be expected.  Maybe I’m delusional, but I didn’t expect this.  I remember during the Ditka years, when we’d get halfway through a season and it would become laughable.  There was nothing to be angry about anymore – it was just too much.  You enjoyed the few good days and you laughed the insanity away on the many bad ones.

This might just be one of those years, folks.  And I’m already on the path to finding this laughable.  But for now I’m still fucking pissed, so I’d like to take issue with the folks who think this doesn’t suck.

“But Angry Who Dat, dude, the 1998 Bills went 0-3 and made the playoffs.”

This is not the 1998 Bills, my friend.  The 1998 Bills did, indeed, go 0-3.  By an average margin of 3 points, and only one of those teams would make the playoffs.  They went straight into the bye week 0-3, and came back out to rip off 5 straight wins, cruising to a 10-6 record capped off by, you guessed it, a blowout of Mike Ditka’s Saints, only to lose in the first round of the playoffs by the one of those three teams that qualified.  Still, hell of a run for an 0-3 team.

So amazing was that run that you have to go back 14 years to find it, dickhead.  Stop it.  It’s time to accept reality.  No more unorthodox offenses, no more 80-points-in-two-games-and-a-Super-Bowl, none of it. 

Much ado has been made of the fact that the Saints have lost to three teams who are otherwise 0-2.  Two levels of suck!  I thought, well, let’s see if we can make it three!  Oh, yes sir, we can.  Those otherwise-oh-and-two teams have lost six combined games to teams who are collectively 5-7 by an average margin of defeat of over 13 points.  Here’s a graphical representation of just how bad this team is right now (of course, the records are “other than the win represented in the tree”): 

That’s bad.  That’s Ditka/Haslett/Mora’96-level suck.  It’s only three games, but through three, this team is epically bad.  And we’re out of excuses.  A third of the 1-2 teams in the league are represented in this here chart.  I know in my heart that more 0-3 teams would be represented if the very nature of the chart forbid it.  There’s only one 3-0 team shown here.  Guess who?

Fuck.  You know what?  The Falcons are real.  These dudes are Legitimate First-Tier Super Bowl Contenders.  Life sucks for a Saints fan right now.

Maybe we’ll be the 1998 Bills.  Maybe we’ll go up to Lambeau and show out and come home and kill the Chargers and Brees will set his record and the rest of the season will go down in history as one of the most improbable runs in the history of football.

For now, I’m thinking just 2 carefully-chosen wins and an opportunity to watch the Falcons shit themselves in the playoffs one more time is as much as I can ask for.

That’s not too much to ask, is it, Rog?

Is it?