How Fan Are You?

4 Oct

This garbage appeared on late last week:

Let me first say that Saints fans are some of the most loyal in all of sports. We wear our hearts on our sleeves and live and die with the team. But last Sunday in the Superdome was one of the worst performances by the fans that I’ve ever experienced.

Oh, he’s not done yet.

The best way for fans in the stadium to make a difference is for them to stand and make as much noise as possible when the other team has the ball on all three downs — especially true when the other team is in the huddle trying to call plays. This provides a better chance that the opposition will miscommunicate the plays they’re trying to run. This didn’t happen at all during Sunday’s game against the Chiefs. And I’m not just talking about the last 20 minutes of the game.

Yes.  That’s the truth right there.  This dude knows what he’s talking about.

We too often wait until third down and long before most of the fans begin to make noise, and often it’s when the opposing team approaches the line. If you aren’t there to cheer and try to help the team win (and right now they need our help more than ever), give your ticket to someone who plans on standing and screaming for three-plus hours when the opposing team has the ball.

M. McCloskey


Oh, fuck, McCloskey, you fucked it all up!  Shit.

Look, Mitt raises some points here.  Can I call you Mitt?  Ok, cool.  Yeah, he has a point in that second paragraph.  Fans in the Dome didn’t seem to know what the hell to do at the Chiefs’ game.  I myself was quite dissapointed:


Sounds like the Georgia Dome in here. #weak

— The Angry Who Dat (@angrywhodat) September 23, 2012


Yeah, it was pretty quiet, especially during the first half.  But I fully recognize that everybody in the Dome:

1. Wasn’t as drunk as I was

2. Doesn’t love to make an ass out of themselves like I do

3. Was beaten down by an Epic level of suck through the first two weeks of football

There are also probably a typical number of “new” fans who haven’t held season tickets before or were given a ticket to the game.  So take it easy for a damn second, Mitt, and tell me what you did about it.

Did you get your lazy ass up and encourage someone to get loud?  Or did you sit your fat ass in your seat and grumble about all the fanhoods around you, and how they aren’t as big as yours?  Yeah, I figured.

Which brings me to the third paragraph.  Shut up, you entire fucking douchebag.  Mitt, you’re not a better fan than anyone.  Who the fuck are you to demand someone give up their tickets?

“We have to do our jobs! The team needs us!”

Fine.  Make some noise.  Help others around you to realize that more noise is better.  What I don’t get – what I’ll never get – is the need for some sorry fucks to determine what makes someone else good enough to call themselves fans.  Leave in the fourth quarter?  Not a fan.  Don’t make enough noise?  Not a fan.  Boo the offense?  Not a fucking fan. Maybe, instead of being a dick, you could try to make a difference yourself.

You suck, Mitt.  You suck because you clearly understand the home field advantage.  You understand the effect of noise.  You get that noise IN THE HUDDLE makes a difference, that one miscommunication can produce a big stop or a turnover.  That first down is important.  That we can really have an impact on the game.

And yet, with all that knowledge in your back pocket, you go about it all wrong and make yourself look like a damn fool.

I don’t know what needs to happen, but Mitt’s right about one thing: the Dome on Sunday isn’t a feared place to be right now.  The team on the field has a lot to do with that.  But the Dome – well, it isn’t what I’m used to.  So tell your neighbor to get up.  Help everyone understand that noise in the huddle is important, too.

But when they just can’t do it because the defense ultimately sucks with noise or without, or when people around you realize that the game is in the bag, and it’s just time to go home, stand the fuck up and let them out of the row and don’t say a goddamn word.  Because some of us can’t take the torture.  Some of us would RATHER be sitting in traffic than watching the trainwreck.  And for a few hundred dollars a year, motherfucker, you can’t take that decision away from me.  It damn sure doesn’t make you, you delusional moron, a bigger fan than me.

Those “better fans” who would love to be there and make a bunch of noise, Mitt?  They’re not there.  You know why?  Because they didn’t have a ticket when the whole fucking Dome sold out for the first time in 2006.  I sat up in 610 right through the Haslett era – when 25 or 30 thousand showed up for a game in December.  When you didn’t need season tickets to go to a game.  I trudged my sorry self down to New Orleans every damn Sunday, knowing the beating I was going to observe.  So now, if I do want to sit down, or leave early, or fucking boo the offense off the field after the fifth straight 3-and-out, I will do so.  I’ve earned that right, dickhead.

“Well, ok, you’ve earned it, because you’re not a bandwagoner!”

No, no, no!  The point is, fan is a self-appointed term.  It doesn’t matter how you became one (or how you managed to score tickets, for that matter), if you say you’re a fan you are one.  What a stupid, childish thing to try to define.  Bandwagoner.  “I was never a bandwagoner, I was born a Saints fan, bitches!”  I wish I could have been there when you emerged from your mothers vagina dripping not with amniotic fluid but pure goddamn liquid fanhood and screamed “Who Dat” loud and proud when the doctor slapped your ass.  You were a bandwagoner once, you idiot.

“I was at the first game!  I was a fan from the start!”

Great job, old guy.  So what did you do before that?  Didn’t have a favorite team?  Didn’t like football at all, huh?  Eat me.

My point is simply this: anyone who utters the phrases “real fans,” “fake fans,” and/or “true fans” with any degree of seriousness, for any reason whatsoever, should cease any ongoing attempts to breed immediately.  You, sir or ma’am, are a detriment to the human gene pool.

So ignore the bullshit, Saints fans.  Take into account that second paragraph, just the second one, because it speaks the truth.  Make noise.  All three downs.  In the huddle.  During timeouts.  Make the Superdome a damn tough place to play, and hopefully Spagnuolo’s squad will give you an assist and reward your effort with a punt or a turnover for a damn change.  Maybe.  Or something.

But you, Mr. McCloskey?  You can go fuck yourself.


UPDATE: One thing douchebags are good at: unfortunate timing.  If you disagree with all of the above, here’s another fucking asshole you can go hang out with: The 10 Worst Kinds of Fans  (thanks @insidej0b for the link)