Duncan Blows Darlington: the Rage of Fake Jeff

16 Nov

Most of you (excepting only those too old or boring to use twitter) know @FakeJeffDuncan.  He should need no introduction.  If you don’t know the guy, his twitter handle should explain everything.  Fake Jeff Duncan, to be clear, is not a fan of Real Jeff Duncan.  140 characters wasn’t enough to contain his disgust at Duncan’s latest masterpiece, so he has taken to the blogosphere.

Take it away, Fake Jeff.

New Orleans Saints shouldn’t get in a bidding war for Sean Payton

So we’ve learned from NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell that the New Orleans Saints and Sean Payton are negotiating a new long-term contract extension. So let me get this straight. A full 10 months after the league reportedly rejected Payton’s original deal the exiled head coach and club are finally trying to iron out a new deal.

At this point, Scooter, if Herr Goodell told me the sky was blue I would immediately assume the sky was, indeed, any color but blue. Naturally, you go ahead and simply copy and paste whatever comes out of his office.

My questions are:

  1. What took so long?

    I don’t know if Goodell’s PR hack included this in their draft of your previous columns, but the man responsible for negotiating contracts, was FUCKING SUSPENDED

  2. What is there to negotiate?

    There’s always something to negotiate. The circumstances have changed, for better and worse, in the last 14 months. You are so terrible at your job that you take whatever peanuts the artist formerly known as the Times-Picayune decides to throw your way. I completely understand that “negotiating a contract” as opposed to saying “thank you, may I have another” is totally foreign.

The sides agreed to a long-term deal in September 2011. The terms and conditions obviously suited both parties back then. I’m no Scott Boras but it seems easy enough to simply strike the verboten “Loomis clause” and resubmit the contract to the league for approval. That should require, what, 10 minutes?

So why has it taken 10 months?

I could handle this on lunch break at Kinko’s and save everyone a lot of time and effort. It certainly would save the Who Dat Nation a lot of unnecessary consternation.

You should file paperwork to be an agent. Seeing you walk in the room would make Tom Benson the happiest he’s been since Master P showed up at Airline Drive to hammer out Ricky’s contract.

There’s only one logical reason why Payton’s deal hasn’t been finalized.

He is indeed having serious thoughts about leaving. To be more precise, he’s having serious thoughts about leaving for Dallas.

Congratulations, Jeff! You’ve managed to, yet again, weigh in on a story that has already been thoroughly covered by the national media. Even that hack Jeff Darlington was here eating “seriously fresh po-boys” on “St. Charles Street” last week when this contract nonsense was only a few days old. Since you clearly didn’t bother to speak to anyone with any first-hand knowledge of the situation, what kept you from banging out this totally predictable thesis 10 days ago? Were you too busy retweeting and handing out your coveted “Good Stuff” hand jobs on twitter to the national media?

Forget the other potential openings around the league. Payton isn’t going to Philadelphia or Carolina or the New York Jets.

He either does Dallas or stays in New Orleans. It’s as simple as that.


The Saints are a better gig for Payton in every way but one: Proximity to his family. It’s a powerful consideration for Payton, who is in the midst of a divorce from his wife, Beth.

How can you even draw this conclusion? If I was in my late 40s, made millions of dollars per year and had just divorced my wife, the last place I’d want to be is closer to my ex-wife. I don’t want to make it sound like family doesn’t mean anything to him, but I definitely saw more pictures of Payton with hot women this summer than of him with anyone with the last name of Payton…..and this is when he is unemployed.

The Cowboys’ job is currently occupied by Jason Garrett. But it might be vacant soon. If the Cowboys miss the playoffs for a third consecutive season owner Jerry Jones might make a move – especially if Payton is available. And the only reason he will be is if he and his agent stall talks with the Saints.

People close to the situation believe this is why the contract imbroglio has persisted for so long? Payton is waiting to see how the Dallas situation plays out.

As Ralph so adroitly explained on the chronic podcast this weekend, anyone who believes this does not understand the logistics of hiring and firing coaches in the NFL. For this situation to play out, Jerry will have to fire Jason Garrett, wait until February to even talk about this with Payton and then give him a blank check because Payton will understand that Jerry has no other options if he fails to sign him. The last time the Cowboys went looking for a coach in February was 2007 and they ended up with 3 years of Wade Phillips. I’m sure Jerry is dying to relive that experience.

It would also explain the mixed signals being issued from the Saints and NFL.

The league reportedly rejected the original contract long before Loomis and Payton were suspended in March. Yet, Saints officials said they waited months for the league to resolve the issue.

The league countered by saying the ball has been in the Saints’ court for some time. Then Saints General Manager Mickey Loomis and Payton’s agent, Don Yee, said they couldn’t resume talks until they received written approval from the league office.

I can’t say I blame Loomis and Payton for requiring written approval from the league before doing anything. I’m sure this approval was “misplaced” in the middle of the 50,000 pages of bountygate documents the league shared with the team. Oh wait….

“It’s up to the team and Sean at this point,” Goodell said Thursday on ESPN radio. “Whatever they determine, then they will resubmit and we will approve or determine if it’s approvable at that time.”

Translation: If you think I’m writing anything down for you assholes, you’re crazy.

Something clearly is askew.

Unless the Loomis clause was a deal-breaker, it seems easy enough to re-work the deal. It’s certainly not the Saints’ or owner Tom Benson’s fault the league rejected it. Would Payton really hold the Saints over a barrel because of a league-enforced technicality?

No, he wouldn’t. How easy was that? I definitely have as many sources as you do to back up my position.

One thing I’m certain of: Benson will not cotton to being leveraged. This is a man whose mantra has always been “a deal’s a deal.” When it comes to business matters, he’s as old school as they come. Ask former Gov. Kathleen Blanco how open Benson is to re-negotiations.

I know, Benson always honors his deals, even when forced to do so by the league in 2006. Open to renegotiations? No. Breach of contract? Hello there.

The deal Benson offered Payton 14 months ago was the richest in club history and one of the most lucrative in the NFL. Whatever value Payton gained from the successful 2011 campaign has been offset by the fallout from Bountygate.

Value of 2011 Season + $7.5mm in unpaid salary in Benson’s pockets > Fallout from Bountygate.

Payton, after all, was in charge of the football operation and was at least partially responsible for leading the club into this mess. Other owners would’ve viewed Payton’s handling of the bounty investigation less favorably than Benson, who has supported Payton throughout the scandal.

Are these the same owners that are theoretically lining up to throw millions and millions of dollars at Sean Payton? Either Payton is a league pariah and Benson deserves credit for loyalty or he understood that Payton would get another head job in an instant, so he had to stand by him. It’s one or the other, it can’t be both. #Logic

Payton should reward Benson’s loyalty rather than penalize him because of a league-enforced technicality.

For the record, this moralization is the direct opposite of the conclusion of the aforementioned Jeff Darlington. Since Darlington is a member of the National LegitMedia, he got a “Good Stuff” retweet from Scooter for his article six days prior to Scooter completely disagreeing with him in every respect.

No, this can’t be a financial decision for Payton. Or at least it shouldn’t be. The Saints don’t owe him another cent. They won’t and shouldn’t get into a bidding war for his services. Either he wants to be here or he doesn’t. And the fact that his extension remains unsigned speaks volumes about where he stands.

Of course, there’s no way to wrap up a column this dumb with anything other than a paragraph that is completely and totally incoherent.

  1. He’s a PROFESSIONAL football coach. Everything is a financial decision. There are aspects to his decision that are related to working environment, but that can ALWAYS be overcome with a large enough salary offer from another team. That number may be $15mm/year, but that number exists.
  2. He wants to be here, and he hasn’t done or said anything that would lead anyone to believe otherwise. He’s at some fundraiser or another every other weekend, he’s got an office in Benson Tower. For fuck’s sake, it feels like his life didn’t change in any way other than he doesn’t coach the Saints this year.

The fact that his extension remains unsigned doesn’t speak volumes about anything.

The simplest, and therefore most likely, explanation is that the GM has been on league imposed vacation and prior to that was under the impression that no contact could be made with Payton. Not to put too fine a point on it, but this is also what the organization has actually said. This is a totally reasonable position since that’s what everyone has said until the Ginger Ninja dispensed his wisdom on ESPN. Evidently an interoffice memo would have killed too many trees.

A legitimate reporter would have called some people, asked some questions and pieced together what was really happening. In other words, done some reporting. However, Jeff Duncan likes to speak to no one, and when he does get a statement out of the subject of the story, he immediately dismisses it in favor of just making shit up.

Keep at it Jeff, I’m sure you’ll get that national job if you keep shillin’ long enough….and we’ll all be better off for it.

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2 Responses to “Duncan Blows Darlington: the Rage of Fake Jeff”

    • The Angry Who Dat November 17, 2012 at 6:50 pm #

      Not sure why embedded photos is not working…

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