Playoffs! I’m Talking About Playoffs!

19 Nov

This person gained well over 2 yards per carry yesterday.

Is that game over yet? What a snooze-fest. Color me bored out of my mind.

Look, it’s great that the defense really stepped up once again. Goal line stands are pretty cool when the game’s on the line, and everything’s all tense, and HOLY SHIT THEY STOPPED THOSE FUCKERS!

I mean, two safeties getting picks in the same game for the first time since 1982 is pretty nice, but neither one really sealed the game or anything – the game was sealed at the first kick.

A win’s more fun when the anticipation is allowed to build over the course of 3 roller-coaster hours. Less so when we know they’re going to win, eventually, all bullshit aside.

I know, I should just be happy. But I’m addicted now. 9 weeks of pure, unadulterated terror/tension/misery leaves me feeling like something is missing during a blowout win. I was yawning during the fourth quarter instead of checking my blood pressure; embracing the end of the game as a chance to look forward to San Francisco, instead of greeting the final whistle with exhilarated relief and fainting just a little. I didn’t need a nap after the game was over. My fingernails were largely intact. I was sober. Like, able to drive a car legally sober. Now that’s a weird feeling in 2012. Bring back the fun games. That shit was lame.

Of course I’m entirely full of shit, that was fucking amazing, and it’s about goddamn time we blew the doors off of somebody.

By the way, the defense only allowed 17 points, 7 of them in garbage time (GPTOMAC), and there was the pick six accounting for 7 points allowed by the other motherfuckers’ offense (PTOMAAO). The way I see it, that really only means that they gave up 3 net points that mattered, a new advanced metric I’ve labeled NPTOMAC (as calculated by PTOMAC minus GPTOMAC, subtract PTOMAAO). That’s a season low NPTOMAC for the Saints’ defense, if you’re wondering. Championship!

And Mark Ingram! Where did this beast come from? Was it the Alabama game where he acted like a damn fool? Was it Chris Ivory’s resurgence? Was it, perhaps, an early-season injury that we didn’t know about? I don’t know, but I like the new guy. He runs for yards in threes and fours and tens and almost never twos, which is what you’d expect a running back but not a Mark Ingram to do.

By the way, Saints running backs not named Ingram: the hair, it covers your name plates. And both numbers have a 9, and for goodness sake, you play the same position, and I’m just saying, it’s a little confusing sometimes.

You’re all awesome, though, so keep doing good things and all. But, the hair, man.

How long can we really dwell on this game? A team looking to get in the playoffs and make noise has to win that game, they should win it big, and the Saints delivered as expected. I’m happy with that. Any overanalysis will just kill the buzz.

Besides, we need to act like we’ve been there, right? No need to get all riled up and do whatever blogging thing for which shaking hands too demonstratively in the endzone would be a proper metaphor. This isn’t a falcons win, it’s a Raiders win. Too much gloating could be taken the same way as pointing and laughing or something (apparently that’s also a terrible, terrible crime against sportsmanship).

So now, here at the Angry Who Dat, we’ll move on to something that would have been unimaginable seven weeks ago: the playoff picture.

YES.

Playoff scenarios!

No, fuck you, it’s not too soon.

We are, of course, on the outside looking in right now. The Vikings, Bucs, and Seahawks are tied at 6-4, competing for the second wildcard. The Packers hold on to the first at 7-5, but have to be looking at the division with a Bears team that could be in some trouble without their quarterback. We’re hanging out with Dallas at 5-5, a game out.

It’s too early to talk about clinching scenarios, so we’ll instead get into a little tiebreaking action, because as you’ll soon come to find out, the Angry Who Dat fucking loves this shit.

I don’t do the playoff scenario generator bullshit or the percentiles or any of that. Anything you read here is figured out by yours truly, staring at a standings chart and a schedule, because, again, I fucking love this shit. So any mistakes are mine, so say something if I made one, so I don’t keep being wrong.

Keep in mind: none of this should be taken as instructions as to who we should be hoping wins from week to week. Because, well, if you don’t know who to pull for at this point in the season, or can’t figure it out from the given information, you’re either an idiot or you haven’t been paying attention. Moving along.

TIEBREAKERS!

>Chicago: So, we’ll let the Packers go for now, since we fucked ourselves in week 4. They win. And they’re a game ahead. And they have their eyes on the division any damn way. But here’s a bright side: we own the Bears tiebreaker if they all-out collapse and the Pack takes the North. The Bears have 2 losses, one of them in the conference. The Saints have 5, of course, three of them in-conference. Both teams have only conference games left to play, and if we finish tied, that means they lost 3 more than we did. Clinched!

>Tampa Bay: We’d likely have to beat these guys a second time to be in the hunt – head to head win! But just in case it got weird, they would have a 3-1 record and us a 2-2 record inside the division assuming they beat us, meaning that they’d have to lose two more games either in the division or in common games to get caught. That puzzle can’t possibly be solved until week 14.

>Dallas: Fuck off, bitches. We either beat these guys or we don’t; given a three-way tie that goes to conference record, a win over Dallas still gives us a conference record advantage (it would be their fifth conference loss and we have no AFC games remaining) and the best they could do even with a win over the Saints is tie them in the conference (assuming we caught one game up to them via a Dallas loss to Cincinnati). In that case, the tie would either lose to another team and bump us both, or kick the third team and leave us back at head-to-head. Dallas also lost games against Chicago, Tampa, and Seattle, so they’re basically fucked in a three-way tie scenario.

>Seattle: They have one more conference loss, but two AFC games left. They’re 3-1 in common games, with 2 to play; we’re 0-2 with three to play. We can’t figure this out for a while, which pisses me off. But if we lose to San Francisco and they beat Miami this week, they clinch the tiebreaker over us via at least a tie in conference and a win on common opponents. But then, that would suck anyway. Fuck that. It won’t happen, right?

Right?

>Minnesota: Not even close to being resolved. They have one more conference loss; they’re one game ahead. Still, they have an AFC game left against Houston in week 16. Both teams are 1-2 in common games, and both have 2 left to play, the last coming in week 17 for the Vikings and week 15 with the Saints. In the end, a tie with the Vikings for the final spot could easily come down to strength of victory. (Caveat: any two Vikings losses to NFC teams would mean the Saints win the tiebreaker vs. the Vikings. Their next two games are CHI and GB.)

Right now, I have the Saints losing only one game, to Tampa. Tampa gets swept by Atlanta. Seattle loses to Miami this week, and a shocker to Buffalo in week 15. Minnesota splits with Green Bay and loses to Houston in week 16. That leaves four teams at 10-6; Tampa gets booted by the Saints based on division record, and the Vikings, Saints, and Seahawks are left in a three-way tie to be decided by strength of victory.

What have we learned here?

Well, nothing of value. But I had fun figuring it all out.

Now. What did I get wrong?

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2 Responses to “Playoffs! I’m Talking About Playoffs!”

  1. Philip H. Anselmo November 21, 2012 at 11:58 pm #

    Angry-
    Good to see you’re up on shit.
    This SF game has me worried like a little lady… and of course, I fucking hate it.
    They’re playing that C. Kaperninck kid, and IMO, he looks to more a-threat than Smith, who has/had our # anyway.
    Less tape on the rookie.
    And with the injuries on our O-line, the SF 69ers front 7 is pretty fucking crazy.
    Shitcago’s O-line is electrically BAD… and we saw what happened there.
    Common sense?
    Yep.
    But we do have a resolute O-line… not elite anymore, but still damn good…. we’ll help w/chip blocks from TE’s and FB’s…
    Our O needs to be ON POINT… don’t get shaken up w/3-and-outs… I think our running game will come into, or answer some big questions here.
    And also, I’m thinking we de-activate Cadet, if Sproles is ready to go.
    No fucking way you cool off Ivory now.
    Tirade probably over, although I’ve had a few sips-
    philip
    ps- SAINTS WILL DESTROY
    Have an Angry Turkey Day brother Saint.

  2. Philip H. Anselmo November 22, 2012 at 12:58 am #

    A few Sips later-
    Obviously, the Failcons are gonna win the damn NFCSouth title, so I’m (and every asshole up on things relevant to the Saints!) am really hoping the Shitbirds beat the Suckaneers ass into pulp this week.
    We need all the fucking help we can get.
    I need heart pills.
    Can I sue Goodell for irregular palpitations?
    Not that that’s my style…
    But, and I type this w/a smirk on my face, if I ever had the chance to smack Roger in the solar plexus w/my famous left hook, my life would be complete!
    I hate the dude.
    Scum of the earth type, cop motherfucker that’d pull you over, then take you to jail for whatever his excuse may be.
    One round… me and him… w/gloves… one fucking round…
    Ok, enough…
    I’m drunk, and it’ll stay that way till the final whistle on sunday… or the morning after!
    Hail all Black and Gold.
    Not YELLOW and gold like the Shitsburgh Feelers…
    GOOD DAY SIR!
    PA

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