Jeff Duncan Is A Pretentious Goddamn Moron Troll, Episode 1,573 (featuring Fake Jeff Duncan)

23 Jan

Ugh.  These playoffs have been a hell of a show, amirite?  And here we are, watching from the couch instead of that nice armrestless seat in the Upper Terrace [tm].  Ah, well.  At least the Falcons aren’t coming to town, right?  Let’s celebrate!

I know, I don’t have it in me either.  Life still sucks until Next Year gets here, and hell, we all knew that was coming.  At least we can look forward to some embarrassing incidents involving drunken New Orlenians and Mr. Goodell, sir.  Hopefully none of them involve violence.  I mean that sincerely.  I mean, that’s just not the shit the city needs, right?  Fuck Rog, but let’s not fuck ourselves while we’re fucking him.  You know?

Hey, it looks like Jeff Duncan wrote a nice little pragmatic piece calling for sanity.  Let’s check it out.

Hey dudes, let’s be clear: Roger Goodell is a worthless power-hungry moron.  But look, all eyes on us, right?  We should play nice – we’re a tourist town.  We don’t need bad attention.  We need to look like fucking angels.  Serve him his food, smile, slip in a laxative if you need to.  But keep him out of the hospital.  Because Super Bowls are awesome, and no matter how much we hate this person, we want more.  Okay?

Except, well, that’s not what he said.  That would have been the sensible approach.  Jeff Duncan is a miserable, self-loathing troll who fucking hates his job and his readership and loves the penises of powerful commissioners and Sports Illustrated blowhards, so he wrote this instead.

At Super Bowl 2012, Roger Goodell should be hailed as a New Orleans hero for helping to save a cosmopolitan city

Holy mother of fuck.  A New Orleans hero.  Saved the city.

Oh, hey, Fake Jeff Duncan has a few things to say.  Take it away, Slugger.

By Jeff Duncan, NOLA.com | The Times-Picayune 
on January 22, 2013 at 3:17 PM, updated January 22, 2013 at 7:56 PM

Now that the NFL has reinstated Saints head coach Sean Payton, New Orleans has an important decision to make for Super Bowl 2013. With Roger Goodell headed our way, a golden opportunity awaits. We can show the world how far we’ve come after Hurricane Katrina, that we truly are a city of progress and enlightenment. Or we can revert to the cloistered close-mindedness that often characterized us pre-Katrina.

 By Fake Jeff Duncan, theangrywhodat.com
on January 23, 2013 at 3:15 AM, posted January 23, 2013 at 4:10 PM

I can’t even begin to imagine where the City of New Orleans would be without someone from Kentucky to let us know what represents progress and enlightenment.

Remember when all of those world-class urban planners came to town after Katrina to lend their expertise and we denounced their ideas and ran them out of town on a rail? How’d that work out for us?

Pretty well, I think.

Thankfully, those regrettable decisions and dark days are history. Somehow, almost miraculously, a new, better New Orleans has emerged from the tragedy.

So we didn’t need the planners?

If you ever plan on writing for a national LegitMedia® outlet, you need to work on writing at least three sentences before totally contradicting yourself. A true national sports columnist like Peter King at least has the decency to not contradict himself until he’s gotten you to click over to “Page 2″. It’s all about the page views, son.

So as Goodell prepares to visit us for Super Bowl XLVII, we have a conscious choice to make regarding our behavior: Class and cosmopolitanism? Or myopia and provincialism?

I can see that you totally aced the Analogies portion of the SAT.

Super Bowl XLVII is not a time for vindication. This is a time for celebration.

This week is about something much bigger than the Saints or Bountygate or season ticket prices. It’s about New Orleans.

The NFL awarded its marquee event to New Orleans largely as a reward for our inspiring post-Katrina recovery. With more than 5,000 credentialed media due in town, the league has bestowed upon us a global stage to showcase our progress.

In keeping with the rules by which the rest of the league plays, they awarded a Super Bowl to New Orleans because we upgraded the Superdome and because we made whatever “charitable contribution” was customary. I’m sure if Goodell asked the owners in Tampa, Phoenix and Miami if New Orleans could host a Super Bowl because “they’re just so damn inspiring,” those owners would have told The Rog shove it up Benson’s ass.

The last thing we need is an ugly incident to mar the festivities. That’d be a major setback to our burgeoning positive image.

You see, because I thought the “burgeoning positive image” was already sullied when 2 people were murdered and 4 others got shot to ring in the New Year. But, yeah, as long as The Rog makes it out of town in one piece it’s all gravy.

It’s time to move on. You don’t have to forgive but you do have to forget – for at least a week. Bury the hatchet … and the hatred.

I tried forgetting but not forgiving just now and realized that it is FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE! This mangling of a rather common quote somehow managed to be puked out of Scooter’s fingers and get past what I hope is at least one editor.

After all, Saints officials plan to break bread with Goodell at a celebratory dinner on Wednesday night at the Windsor Court Hotel. And owner Tom Benson has invited the commissioner to his private bash on Thursday night at City Park.

Do you hear that, everyone? Scooter was kind enough to let the entire City of New Orleans know EXACTLY WHERE GOODELL IS GOING TO BE ON WEDENSDAY NIGHT!

And if you are unavoidably detained that evening, you can surely catch up with The Rog the following night in City Park.

But I don’t want no fights, now.

Even Sean Payton had the graciousness to say in his statement on Tuesday, “I feel we have learned from our mistakes and are ready to move forward.”

If the aggrieved can move on, can’t everyone?

No, we cannot. Every time the LegitMedia® needs a quote leading everyone to believe that there “really was a HUGE BOUNTY SYSTEM in place” and that “Saints fans and players needs to accept their punishments and move on”, they trot out a statement from one of the coaches.

But they fail to note that these same coaches are the only ones involved that do not have legal protection from Herr Roger’s retribution. The moral of “The Emporer’s New Clothes” was, ironically, the child having the same “enlightenment” you accuse Saints fans of lacking.

The child was able to speak truth to power. Et tu, Jeff?

“I know everybody in the city is belly aching about the last year, but here’s the thing: Roger Goodell has always been a friend to the City of New Orleans,” Mayor Mitch Landrieu said last week.

“Goodell didn’t try to play connect the dots on my hair plugs like that prick David Stern”

Indeed, have people forgotten all of the good Goodell did for New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina?

To use a football analogy, then NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue was the head coach and Goodell was the quarterback in the league’s post-Katrina game plan for New Orleans.

In those grim days of late 2005 and early 2006, when the flood lines were still fresh, there weren’t a lot of folks standing beside the city. To the contrary, much of America had abandoned us, including many folks inside the Saints organization. But Goodell never wavered in his support. As the league’s chief operating officer at the time, he not only stood beside New Orleans, he spearheaded vital parts of the city’s recovery.

Goodell worked with local leaders to rebuild the Superdome.

He didn’t build that.

He cleared bureaucratic hurdles in Washington D.C. to accelerate the construction process. And he was a constant motivator, sending local officials late-night emails for inspiration: “We’re winning! Don’t stop! We’re in this to win!”

Please see this story, published a full day before Scooter’s column. The linked story has the football analogy as well as the late night messages Goodell would send. I would be alarmed at the lack of attribution coming from Jeff, but we all know this isn’t the first time.

“Roger was with us when it counted,” said Doug Thornton, vice president of stadiums for SMG, the company that manages the Superdome for the state. “He worked and sweated here. People don’t realize how granular he was down here. He was in the weeds with us.”

Goodell worked just as hard for the city in 2002 when the 9/11 terrorist attacks threatened to move Super Bowl XXXVI from New Orleans. The NFL’s decision to cancel the ensuing Week 2 games after the attacks pushed the schedule back. That caused a major conflict for New Orleans, which was scheduled to host the National Automobile Dealers Association convention the week after the Super Bowl. NADA is one of the largest conventions in the business. The Convention Center and most of the city’s hotel inventory were booked. Goodell, though, made it happen and Super Bowl XXXVI was a rousing success for the city and the league.

“Roger was very supportive and played a critical role in so many different ways,” Tagliabue said in a phone interview last week. “He was a major player in executing what we had decided was going to be the policy to keep the Saints in New Orleans, in Louisiana and in the Gulf Coast region. He was the guy who managed the process.”

If anything, New Orleans owes Goodell a thank you. If it weren’t for Goodell and Tagliabue, there might not be a pro football team much less a Super Bowl in New Orleans these days.

Since we owe our pro football team to Goodell and Tagliabue, I guess we are on the hook for whatever fantasies of saving the league from litigation they want to play out in the future.

Thank you, sir. May I have another?

Have we forgotten the Saints’ actions in the fall of 2005? How team officials tried to break their lease with the state of Louisiana. How they tried to sue FEMA for supposedly destroying their training facility. How they collected negative information about New Orleans and distributed it to the other 31 NFL owners. Have we forgotten how Saints players were advised to lease or purchase property in Texas as late as the final week of December?

You see, though, everyone in New Orleans knows and has accepted what an asshole Tom Benson is. But at least he seems comfortable with himself, which we can all appreciate. The Rog wants everyone to think he’s the most wonderful man in the world and he’s really doing you a favor by boning you in the ass.

“It was clear there were things being done by San Antonio and things being considered by the Saints which were clearly focused on San Antonio,” Tagliabue said. “When I told the team that they were moving back to New Orleans, some players stood up and asked me, ‘Who the hell are you? We’re the ones who have to get our kids in school and find doctors for our families.’ The assumption of a lot of the players was they were going to buy homes in San Antonio. I told them the team is going to be back in New Orleans. That is the decision of the league. A team can only relocate if three-fourths of the membership approves the move and there is no such support. I told them they better stop negotiating (real estate) because you’re expected back in Metairie by mid-February.”

Today, Tagliabue said the work the NFL did in New Orleans ranks “right at the very top” of his legacy as league commissioner.

“We made it very clear from the start that we were not going to leave an NFL city in the wake of a national disaster and tragedy,” Tagliabue said. “It was like throwing a Hail Mary pass and somebody had to catch the pass.”

Wait, I thought Tagliabue was the head coach…he’s the quarterback now? Did The Rog throw AND catch the pass? Thanks for the immense clarity of your professional writing ability.

Ironically, it was Goodell who played a key role in what Tagliabue called “lowering the temperature” among New Orleanians and averting the demonization of Benson post-Katrina. Now he’s the one being demonized.

Jonathan Vilma, Scott Fujita, Will Smith, Anthony Hargrove and Sean Payton all agree that it kind of sucks to be demonized and totally sympathize with The Rog.

“I think it’s very unfair,” Tagliabue said. “Roger does not have an anti-New Orleans bone in his body.”

Would he like one?

For his part, Goodell appears undaunted by the situation. When asked at the AFC divisional playoff game in Denver two weeks ago if he was worried about his safety in New Orleans, Goodell answered with a resolute “no.”

“The fans (of New Orleans) are loyal to their team,” he said. “That’s what we expect. They’re great fans. No, I’m not troubled by that at all.”

Because if we’ve learned anything over the past 10 months, it’s that The Rog takes into account all evidence and processes it in a logical manner to arrive at the correct conclusions.

Still, there’s enough lingering resentment to concern league officials and local Super Bowl organizers. That’s why they’ve spent the past week trying to proactively promote a cult of hospitality.

Of which this column is clearly a part. Do they write these for you or are you forced to transcribe notes supplied to you by Greg Aiello?

Meanwhile, the “Do Not Serve This Man” signs bearing Goodell’s portrait proliferate around town and photos of lewd Krewe du Vieux parade floats satirically filleting Goodell circulate on social media.

Be honest, Scooter. You wish you were the Boeuf Gras last Friday night, don’t you? Please don’t tell me you wish you were Super Hole XLVAG.

“It hurts,” Thornton said. “It saddens me to see that Roger would be thought of in that regard after all that he and the league has done to help us.”

Indeed, as Super Bowl beckons, a post-Katrina refresher course appears to be in order. If not for Goodell’s initiative and creativity, the Superdome does not reopen in September 2006. If the Superdome doesn’t reopen, the city’s post-Katrina recovery lags. If the recovery lags, the Saints don’t return. If the Saints don’t return, the city’s recovery efforts suffer.

Without Goodell, there’s no Dome-coming and no blocked punt. There’s possibly no Super Bowl XLIV victory or Lombardi Gras parade.

“If it weren’t for the inspiration, motivation and vision of Roger Goodell and Paul Tagliabue to push us, this project drags beyond 2006 and then who knows what happens,” Thornton said. “I don’t want to overstate it, but it could have literally altered the course of history here.”

“I don’t want to overstate it, ” Thornton said before he immediately overstated the fuck out of it.

The restaurateurs and shopkeepers who are thriving in the city’s post-Katrina renaissance should consider this as they hang those silly self-serving “Do Not Serve” signs behind their counters.

Perhaps they are simply protesting The Rog’s silly, self-serving crucifixion of the Saints in an effort to avoid the CRIPPLING punitive damages that are coming his way once the concussion lawsuits get decided.

“Oh, you suspended our coach and ruined our team’s season? How about I don’t sell you any ice cream!”

See, we can all be self-serving pompous asses, but we’re quite a bit funnier when we do it.

Did Goodell cost the Saints a season? Maybe. But he also saved the team and perhaps the city from virtual extinction.

Yes, the entire city of New Orleans would have been virtually extinct without the benevolence of The Rog. That sounds like the appropriate conclusion everyone would draw from those paragraphs.

Just when you thought Doug Thornton was going to walk away with the overstatement crown, Scooter sees his “literally would have altered the course of history” and raises him a “saved the city from virtual extinction.”

“I love the city,” Goodell said. “Being a part of that work (post-Katrina) was real important. …To see the way that community (in New Orleans) rallied around their team and rallied around the disaster, you can’t have anything but the highest respect for the people and the people we work with down there. We’re seeing the same thing in our community with (Superstorm) Sandy. People pull together. People move forward”

New Orleanians are experts at moving forward in the wake of adversity. If we did it for Katrina, we can certainly do it now.

I’ve moved forward in the “face of adversity,” but never in the “wake of adversity.” If we can’t count on you LegitMedia® types to use clichés correctly, what are you good for?

At every turn over the past 10 months, you have parroted the league story and whenever anyone dares question the narrative, you respond by calling people names.

Since you and your brethren have so spectacularly failed to #DoYourJob, we’re going to avail ourselves of the only opportunity that we have to make sure everyone knows we got screwed this year.

The international media will be here, so we’re going to keep saying outlandish things, making hysterical mardi gras floats and jokingly asking restaurants to “Not Serve This Man.”

And nobody is going to follow through on any of it.

The fact that you think we might shows just how “enlightened” you really are.

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