Marginally-Bridled Enthusiasm

26 Jul

An Outside Linebacker

Training camp! I guess it’s time to write some words and stuff. Actually, it appears I’m a little late to the party this season, as SaintsWin and Moosedenied are already on it. Pretty great posts right there, if you’re feeling too fucking happy about this whole football-season-about-to-start thing and miss that December 2012 urge to hang yourself right there in the tee vee room. At least, that’s what some will have you believe. Don’t believe it. Stop being so damn sensitive. It’s JULY.

Reid just wants you to understand that this won’t last forever. He’s right. It’s gonna come crashing down eventually. So look on the bright side: at least it won’t happen this season, hopefully! And the Wang just wants you to appreciate what you have right now. So give ‘em a break, okay? They’re not being pessimistic, they’re being realistic. They’re trying to get you to understand what you have. Give thanks, and all that.

And I’m not mad at either one of them.

That said, fuck that. I’m not in the mood for realism. It’s still July, assholes, and July isn’t about realism. It’s about unrealistic expectations, and training camp beasts, and hopefulness, and a fuck-it attitude toward any indicator that maybe, perhaps, the next four or ten Super Bowls aren’t already the Saints’ to lose. If you can’t embrace a little optimism at this particular juncture, it’s time to re-examine your life. If you don’t see that New York Super Bowl as pretty much a done deal, sit down tonight with a big bottle of booze and drink all of it, and put that bottle in a big plastic bag, the freezer kind that won’t rip open unless you freeze too much shit in it, which won’t be a problem because you’re not freezing anything, you’re just keeping the shards intact while you beat yourself about the face and neck until the goddamn half-hearted bullshit is cleared from your fucking brain. Don’t actually drink and beat your face, because you can’t sue me now because I added a disclaimer, but if I’m to be honest, I really wish you would, because you deserve the pain, you pessimistic little shitbubble.

No, sir. We’re not doing that shit around here. I’m nothing if not excited right now. I know this is The Year. I got me a big fuckin’ Fleur-de-Boner just thinking about the next six months, and you know why?


BECAUSE I DON’T NEED A GODDAMN REASON. It’s July, asshole. Pay attention.

There are plenty of issues to worry about, though, if you believe all these “journalists” and “twitters” and “message boards” or whatever, so let me set some shit straight right fucking now.

Offensive line is not a problem. We’re just fine. No, we don’t exactly know who our left tackle is, even though we do know it’s probably Charlie Brown, and we know left tackle is somewhat important to a right-handed quarterback who throws a shitton of passes per game, and is – according to Mr. Reid – already on the decline (so it would probably be good if he doesn’t get hit about the face and neck too many times). Charlie wasn’t all that bad when all his limbs were functional, and who knows? Maybe he’ll keep everything working this year. Besides, if he doesn’t, we have a SLEEPER BEAST whose name you can’t remember exactly from some place you never heard of, and that’s pretty much always a Pro-Bowl lock here in New Orleans under this regime. And even if HE doesn’t pan out, we got us a 30-something tight end who probably won’t mind helping out a little on the edge, and even if he gets Alzheimer’s or something around week 10 I’ll be goddamned if Drew Brees even needs a left tackle in the first place, because he’s Drew Brees and he knows how to avoid pressure and the Payton System devalues tackles in favor of guards anyway, whatever the fuck that means.

The offensive line will be fine. And, hey, it’s not like Drew doesn’t have a ton of weapons out there if he does have to get that ball out quick. Looks like ol’ Loomis nailed another one, ditching Chris “The Hamstring” Ivory up to New York for a draft pick or something (April was a long time ago), where he’s currently riding a stationary bike, as Chris Ivories are known to do. We hung on to Mark Ingram, despite the wishes of This Guy Right Here, but it turns out that was quite the Shrew[tm] move indeed, as he’s already trucking linebackers straight to IR. PRO BOWL! (It’d be great if you’d keep your fucking knees to yourself the rest of training camp, though, if that’s okay with you.)

And man, this wide receiver corps. Yeah, we had to cut a little fat during the offseason. Big deal. And Colston’s on the PUP list, and Stills hurt his hand, which tends to be a key appendage for wide receivers most times, and there’s the Joe Morgan thing, but we still have Jimmy Graham for one more year and Lance Moore is practicing, and Drew could pretty much complete passes to just the two of them for a whole year, which is awesome because I can’t really remember who any of the other guys are.

So yeah, no sweat. Do we even need to get into the defense? Rob Ryan’s gonna fix all this nonsense up. He’s switching to a 3-4, and we all know that a 3-4 in New Orleans can only possibly mean one thing: the Dome Patrol is back. I know what you’re saying. We didn’t even have a good linebacking corps in the 4-3. But that’s the thing: more is always better. It’s a rule of physics. And good grief, do we have a lot of linebackers to choose from. Even with Victor Butler being down with an Ingram, we have Junior Galette, who is primed for a breakout year because, well, Junior Galette’s ALWAYS primed for a breakout year. #InfallibleLogic. And there’s Tez, and Lofton, and Vilma’s old as hell so I mean come on, of course he’ll adapt well to covering ¼ of the field instead of 1/3, and Will Smith alone counts for like 3 linebackers in one roster spot, which is basically cheating but We Make The Rules, which as a slogan worked out really great for us, didn’t it, Wang?

Note: first person to produce a Vine of Will Smith blitzing off the edge from a 2-point stance gets all the retweets. That image, of this dude thundering around the edge at full canter, is my favorite thing about 2013 so far. It might take him 12 seconds to get around the defensive line, but holy SHIT will the collision be impressive if he ever gets there before the throw.

Hey, it could happen. It’s not like the secondary can’t cover. Roman Harper isn’t my favorite guy on the field because Jesus Christ, Roman, those angles you take on every play, but it’s not like Rob Ryan is going to use him to cover deep. Strong safeties don’t cover receivers, and Rob knows that. He’ll use Harper to his strengths, which is stopping the run and blitzing or something, and that’s totally different from putting a mediocre linebacker at safety and trying to cover the weakness with scheme because look, this is Rob Ryan, and his very name is magic that defies the laws of defining words.

Metaphor time! An accountant that’s bad at math is not a good accountant. He’s a terrible accountant. But if H&R Block asks him to sweep floors, and he’s really, really fucking good at it, he can be useful. For keeping the floor clean. That doesn’t make him a good accountant. It doesn’t even make him an accountant. It makes him a fucking janitor. A great janitor, but still not an accountant. A really clean floor doesn’t make up for an IRS audit, so you’re not going to play the janitor at accountant between floor cleanings.


“I’m not sure. And that didn’t sound like positivity.”

Fine. Here’s your positivity. Our taxes were all fucked up in 2009. They were a disaster. But we couldn’t even tell, could we? Because that floor. THAT FUCKING FLOOR.

There’s nothing wrong with prioritizing floors over receipts, as long as it works. I’m okay with that. Just don’t tell me you’re a crack accountant, okay?

And it’s not like we don’t have other guys who can pick up the slack for Roman. Malcolm Jenkins shouldn’t have trouble staying with a tight end for 30 yards if Roman misses him. Because he’s a free safety. That’s what free safeties do, they cover deep. Obviously.

Finally, the secondary really doesn’t matter in the first place, because what this defense missed in 2012 was aggressiveness. And Rob Ryan’s bringing the aggressiveness. And the scheme. Scheme fixes all the things. Everyone knows that. Because 2009. THE FLOORS. They were beautiful. Because aggressiveness. And scheme.

Just wait and see. You know I’m right. Get ready, because coach is back and he’s made of Mardi Gras beads because it’s New Orleans and as every good American knows, New Orleans makes everything out of Mardi Gras beads.

He’s calling the plays again, and Rob Ryan is overhauling this defense, and holy shit, people, we open the season against the Falcons at home in 6 weeks. It’s going to be a great year. A great one!

(Say it enough times and it becomes true. Physics.)

2013 prediction: 19-0



So he told himself; but even then, he should have known better.

And in far-off Mississippi, The Angry Who Dat had as yet told no one of how he had wakened from a restless sleep with the message from his subconscious echoing in his brain:

Ingrams do everything in twos.



3 Responses to “Marginally-Bridled Enthusiasm”

  1. harrisondumont July 29, 2013 at 1:40 am #

    Dammit, that’s the second Rama recommendation I’ve received this weekend. guess I gotta read it now. Did you hear about the Fincher adaptation that got canned?

    • The Angry Who Dat August 29, 2013 at 12:13 pm #

      This reply is a month late, because I’m an asshole who doesn’t pay attention to his own website. Yes, read it. No, I didn’t know they tried to do an adaptation. Honestly, I’m not sure how well that would hold up, but I haven’t read it in a while. It’s a classic. Read it now if you haven’t yet.

      I should go write something now. Preseason is such bullshit.


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