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I Renamed the Hornets

4 Dec

Ladies and gentlemen, The Atchafalaya Cookin’ CrawNutria.

I think this captures everything that people are looking for in a Hornets name (judging by the recent flood of “suggestions” from “people” who have “ideas”).

1. Pretentious reference to local thing that nobody outside of South Louisiana can identify without at least 10 minutes on the internet dedicated to the topic

2. Cheesy reference to something everybody outside Louisiana associates with Louisiana and also thinks is terribly cheesy

3. Cheesy reference to aspect of New Orleans culture that everybody recognizes but that everyone in New Orleans is insufferably pretentious about

4. Terrible, terrible, fucking terrible MS Paint logo idea

5. End result is a mythological or conceptual thing that can’t be legitimately represented by a  mascot.

Really, this is the one, people.  And if you had an idea that you considered original, funny, classy, unique, and/or feasible (especially if you called it in to 870 this morning), it is probably more terrible than the Atchafalaya Cookin’ CrawNutria.

What the fuck was wrong with “Hornets” anyway?

Well-played, Mr. Benson

17 Apr


“Lookit all mah proppity!”

Everyone reading this has probably, at some time in their lives, gone through the dreadful process of test-driving a new car.  Those of us who don’t have the kind of money with which one can buy the “perfect” car usually feel the need to point out the flaws we notice, in a misguided attempt to either justify walking away in a few minutes, or drive the price of the car down.  It usually goes something like this:

“This car generates a lot of road noise.  I didn’t expect that.”

“Check out this speaker system.  Go ahead, turn it up.  Cool, huh?”

“Yeah, that sounds pretty nice!  But this gauge cluster, it’s pretty cheap-looking.  What’s up with that?”

“The tachometer is very accurate though.  Check out this in-dash GPS.”

“Wow!  Give me directions to the Super Dome.  That’s cool!  What were we talking about again?”

Anybody that’s ever had to pay the bills knows by selling people things they don’t really want knows what I’m talking about.  At various times in my life, I’ve sold Kias, Kirby Vacuums, and stuffed Spidermen (don’t ask).  I’ll tell you what it’s about: distraction.  And there’s no doubt in my mind why Benson was able to make a fortune selling cars.

Read on >>