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Preseason Is Stupid, or Why Football Is Better Than Bear Fighting

5 Sep

Sorry for the prolonged absence. Preseason. Preseason is quite stupid. But it’s over now, and we survived unscathed!

Well, except for all the injuries. And the return to vintage 2012 defensive football in week three against the Texans, or whatever melodramatic nonsense you’re in the mood to put out there right now. But we’ll get to that. First, let’s focus on the positive developments we’ve seen since my last post a month ago.

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The Hippest Fluidity

31 Mar

Barkevious Mingo 0.5, reportedly

Yeah, I’m still here. No, sit down. You’re too kind. I haven’t written enough this offseason, so here’s a largely link-free stream-of-thought post on the offseason so far. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, google it. I shouldn’t have to do ALL the work around here.

Thesis statement! This fucking offseason is taking forever.

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Here

4 Jan

I even got all fancy and shit with some MS Paint action #bling

A Shocking Inevitability

12 Nov

Saints Shock NFL With Win Over Falcons.

It’s in the books now, and the New Orleans Saints have shocked the Atlanta Falcons

…they stopped Atlanta twice in the final few minutes of Sunday’s game to shock the previously unbeaten Falcons

Shocked? Who the fuck was shocked? What league have you been watching for the last six years? You’re pretty easily shocked if you’re shocked by something that happens for the eleventh time in the last thirteen possible times it could have happened.

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Dirty Bird Can’t Fly

9 Nov

With a broken wing.

Look at the poor fella. It’s not his fault. He tries really hard.

The Number 2: Falcons Hate Week for Kids

9 Nov

I missed a video in my Falcons Hate Playlist earlier this week.  This guy is fabulous.

He says “2″ a lot in that video, which makes me very happy. Here are some more videos featuring the number two.

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Matt Ryan: When It Matters

7 Nov

Every year we have to put up with this “elite” nonsense on behalf of some overrated quarterback who’s done nothing but shine in the first half of a regular season:

But you can’t separate the past from the present so easily when the past is this consistent.  An absolute inability to win when it counts naturally tempers the expectations of any reasonable fan.  Eliteness is about what a player can do, not what he’s done in a specifically-limited sample size.  If a player has performed well during the regular season and crashed in postseason three years in a row, a great regular season performance through eight games does not negate the pattern.  It reinforces it.

I argue that to be “elite”, whatever the hell that means anyway, you have to win when it counts. This will be a two-part post. First, let’s take my definition and look at quarterbacks who have equalled or bettered Matt Ryan in the postseason.  All of the following is from Pro-Football-Reference, NFL/AFL since 1960.

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Falcons Hate Week: An Introductory YouTube Playlist

7 Nov

I offer this as a quick primer; it is certainly not exhaustive of Falcon internet meltdown patheticness. I hope you enjoy. I’m also offering shortlinks for ease of twitter and facebook use.

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Regression to the Mean

15 Oct


Indeed, Fake Jeff Duncan. Indeed.

In fact, I’m having trouble finding a statistic that doesn’t point to a regression. [1]

Another game in the books, and the Falcons continue to be outgained on a yards-per-play basis. It gets even worse when we focus on the last three games (which you’d expect when you’re talking regression, of course), and most of this post will, indeed, focus on the Falcons’ last three games, versus Carolina, Washington and Oakland.

First, just to get it out of the way, those teams are a combined 5-11 on the season. Not exactly a gauntlet of juggernauts right there.

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Let’s Go, Peyton! (clap clap clapclapclap)

16 Sep

This happened today, so it wasn’t all bad.

Fuck yes!  We won time of possession!  And we rushed 27 times! For 163 yards! Now that’s what I’m talking about!  Now if we can just get a win from Denver tomorrow night, we’ll be tied for first!

“Angry Who Dat, we lost today. You know that, right?”

No.  Bullshit.  What kind of drugs are you on?  We held the ball longer than they did.  Plus, 6 yards per carry, bitches!

“No, really.  They scored more points than we did.  They averaged 18 yards per reception, for crying out loud.  That probably had something to do with it.”

Well, sure.  But in the first three quarters we ran the ball 43 percent of the time.  Way better than last week!  YES!

“Don’t forget the pick-6, buddy.  And the two drops on the goal line.  And, you know, Steve Smith.”

Holy shit.  Are you trying to tell me that offensive execution, the ability of the defense to prevent scores, turnovers, and numbers of touchdowns and field goals for each team count more in football than the amount of time you possess the ball or whether you hit an arbitrary measure of balanceness?

Well, I’ll be damned.  So much for that idea.  Back to the drawing board, Who Dats!

Shit.  Now that I’ve gotten my requisite snark out of the way, here’s the thing: it’s a 16-game season.  Big fucking forest, and only two of the trees are burning, and you can’t just forget to see the trees for the forest fire, or something.  Anybody got a hose?  Spags?

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