Fear The Reckoning

27 Dec

Saints fans gather in preparation for Sunday. Pestilence not pictured.

It’s pretty rare that I post twice in one week, but I feel like my Ralphian Doom post from Monday needs a follow-up.

As the week wears on, I feel a glimmer of hope. I fight it vigilantly but it’s still there, no matter how hard I will it away, eating at the back of my mind. Maybe everything could go right Sunday. The Saints just don’t lose at home, not this year. And the other things we’re asking for aren’t THAT farfetched, are they?

This mindset bothers me. It fills my soul with a powerful fear. Not at the potential heartbreak Sunday, but at the consequences should we get our wish.

What are we asking for here? I ask of you your perfect scenario, and your answer is likely something like:

1. Panthers loss
2. Saints win
3. Seattle loss
4. 49ers win
5. Cowboys win

See, the first four give us a 2 seed, relegate the Seahawks to a wildcard, and create a worst-case NFC Championship Game scenario of at San Francisco, something we could like, totally handle probably. Number 5 there is the backup plan, in case the first 4 don’t happen, giving us the most beatable road opponent in the NFC for the wildcard round.

I’ll start with number 1.

Nothing good can come of rooting for the Falcons. Today I see Saints fans on Twitter using #RiseUp, and an instinctual dread comes over me. This is how our unintelligent mammalian ancestors felt when they heard the rustle of leaves that indicated the approach of a large predator. Sentience is hardly necessary to feel fear at the presence of something unholy and vicious. The realization of our dreams of a division championship, I warn you, is no less dangerous than a velociraptor.

I do not intend to change your mind when it comes to rooting interests as I root along with you: I want nothing more than a division title and a first-round bye, and most importantly, home playoff game(s).

But we ask these things of the football dieties with knowledge of what came before. It is easy, for a superstitious fan, to believe that bountygate and the 49ers game and EARTHMODE BEASTQUAKE and this year’s road woes and even, perhaps, the circumstances that led to the multiple blasphemies taking place this weekend, all are punishment for whatever terrible deal we made in 2009.

If a championship season results in this kind of punishment, then, consider the full spectrum of gifts we ask of the NFL this Sunday.

We hope, in that perfect scenario, that we are elevated to a 2-seed, and arguably, the favorite to win the NFC, as a result of wins by the Falcons, Rams, and 49ers. 1990s me weeps. Should this occur, and should it lead to an improbable Super Bowl run, the payment will be biblical. There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. I do not pretend to understand what the football equivalent of swarms of locusts and rivers of blood may be, but I fear it. I fear it with all my heart.

So beware Sunday if you find yourself celebrating an unlikely Falcons win without reservation. Enjoy it, because it truly would be a gift. Enjoy it greatly while you can. Pray that it results in a championship while we’re temporarily blessed. Because it will not last forever. Retribution will be harsh, if not swift.

Rise Up, and may God help us all.

Pull the Plug

23 Dec

Saints Left Tackle Terron Armstead (72) goes up against Panthers Defensive End Greg Hardy (76) during second-quarter action at Bank of America Stadium Sunday.

 

“‏get this fucking season over with” – @JuanScroates

Indeed. Make it stop.

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Don’t, Terron. Just don’t.

21 Dec

For the love of God, Terron, don’t fuck this up.

I said last week I didn’t give a damn about the Rams game. I still don’t. Because what we have this week is what we should have expected all year, given the circumstances. The Saints aren’t technically out of the division race with a loss – next week a Carolina loss and a Saints win and some other things could give the Saints a division title via the strength of victory tiebreaker.

But ultimately, we all know that this regular season boils down to Sunday. The division championship, and a second-round bye, will be awarded to the winner of a division game. On the road. Outdoors. With a first-time starting rookie left tackle and a 60-year-old kicker who hasn’t tried a field goal in about 7 years.

Read on >>

It’s Not A Trap

15 Dec

Trap games are stupid. The entire concept is bullshit. I refuse to believe it, and accordingly, as fans are allowed to do, I’m overlooking the hell out of this afternoon’s game.

This may change come kickoff. It will change; I’ll be nervous as ever. But for now, this morning, I’ve got more important things to think about. Like the Panthers.

Two games in three weeks against our new divisional challenger will do that to you. A game like last week, a downright boring affair the likes of which I’ve been begging for for weeks, nonsense about enjoying close wins aside, has a way of getting in your head, creating fantasies of dominating a new whipping boy for years to come.

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Obligatory

7 Dec

Fuck this guy.

Sorry I’m late. I really didn’t want to write anything this week. Not because I was crushed by Monday’s nightmare, but because there isn’t much to write about.

Honestly, I thought about just skipping a post altogether, for the second week in a row. For shame. But I can’t do that now. Because some of you have too much time on your hands. One of you has so much time on your hands that you figured out that the last two times I didn’t post in the week leading up to a game we lost and sent me an anonymous email this morning to that effect. Now, to be fair, I’m pretty sure this is one of my friends giving me shit, because no way does anyone take a fucking blog this seriously.

Regardless, whoever you are, fuck you, and I salute your diligence, and see you at the tailgate probably.

Read on >>

New Ways To (Enjoy A) Win

20 Nov

Mandatory Harbaugh Fuck Gif

Wouldn’t have it any other way.

This was a tough one to watch, even as close games go. But given a win, it couldn’t have gone more swimmingly. Blowouts are fun. Blowing out the 49ers would have been massively entertaining. But there’s something special about the way this one went down. I have only one regret: that I cannot go back and tell 10-year-old me that one day, when he’s all grown up, a 49er will complain after a loss that a referee was biased toward New Orleans.

That would have meant so much to the kid.

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Of Course This Is Happening In Your Hometown

12 Nov

Well, that was fun. And we can’t really say we didn’t see that coming, can we? Hey, I’m not going to pretend I saw most yards in franchise history and most first downs in NFL history and most yards ever against the Cowboys and fucking 49 points and an utter failure of a Cowboys passing game coming, but we knew it would be a win and we knew it would be fun, because that’s what Payton’s Saints give us in primetime at home.

Recognizing the inevitability of a blowout win given the time and place certainly doesn’t devalue said win, and this isn’t intended to be a wet blanket – that’s coming later in the post – because a continuation of pre-2011 Payton tendencies is something to be appreciated and celebrated. And goddamn was that fun to watch.

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Punish Them Now

7 Nov

This post went up yesterday at SaintsWin (thanks, Reid!) because my site was down due to some malware or some shit like that. Sorry. I hope nobody tried to download whatever that was. You’re safe as long as you didn’t. For future reference: you should never have to download anything to read text on a website, so just don’t do that. #themoreyouknow

I didn’t get a chance to write last week, because of the road trip to New York, and I haven’t yet written this week, but suffice to say, Bills game good, Jets game bad. Offensive line, ugly. That’ll have to do for now, because I really need to get this off my chest.

Richie Incognito is an asshole.

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Step Back In The Window, Sir

22 Oct

Ok, I think I’m over it now.

I don’t know what finally did it – maybe it was the Patriots-Jets game Sunday, or the exercise in futility of forcing myself to watch every play of that abysmal game last night in hopes that I could manage a second fantasy win this season (I couldn’t) and that newfound appreciation for what we have that always comes after watching two terrible teams fight it out for what feels like seven hours. But I can look forward to the Bills game this morning without making myself miserable over what happened in New England.

But, true to the purpose of a personal blog in the first place, I’ll commit to a little self-indulgence and talk about the thing that happened over a week ago, if you care to read any of it.

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Faalkenfreude

10 Oct

The Saints defense braves daylight and plant life to pursue a rare outdoor win.

Get it? That’s how you spell “Falcon” in German maybe.

Last weekend just might have been the most enjoyable weekend of regular season football I’ve ever witnessed. I want to make sure I hit all the high points, so I’ll go with a numbered list. People love those.

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